I hate that you have a past.

So little background until I met my husband I was a virgin...he wasn't, well I mean he dated this chick for over 2 years in highschool so obviously not right lol..then there were a couple girls he dated before me...(one of which I got to work with...yup awkward lol although I did get along with her)...Anyway I HATE that there were others. mainly the long term one....I wish it didn't bug me and alot of times it doesn't but then I get times where it's like I feel sick about it. and start thinking and comparing myself to her, like am I better....why is he with me and not her...if she came back around would he go back (he tells me all the time no...and I believe him...most of the time) then I start asking things like what it was like you kno0w the first time...or just weird sick shit that I really dont need to know and yet I do...and he changes the subject ok fine you don't like talking about it I get that....but at hte same time, it's like he's avoiding hte convo cuz she was better...then it gets in my head well does he think of her while we are u know getting freaky lol. that used to bug me alot and would go through my mind ALL the time, now it's not as often but still....why can't stupid little things not bug...cuz then I get all in a mood and i'm miserable and I don't wanna say anything cuz I know it's stupid and just my screwed upness....oh and don't get me started on the movie Madagascar O M G I can't watch that movie now...why? cuz well we went to see it..then I go out of town to visit my dad and he goes and takes this other chick god I hated her stupid too much make-up wearing cow...she was sweet and nice but I would always see him flirt with her, well before we started dating and I was like ok fine he would never date me that's the kind he likes...so sure enough he takes her out to a movie while i'm out of town...F U, it's such a stupid reason to not watch a movie...but it's my reason....and to the girl who if she reads this...it was nothing against you I swear...it sounds bad I know and I'm sorry for that....
OH OH and this ex from the 2 years...another time I go out of town...he swears up and down it didn't happen and I wanna believe him but there's always a part in the back of my mind that things just add up way to much for it not to of happened of him spending the night with her...the emails he sent her back and forth about fucking...the emails saying ya I'm free weds night...the fact he all of a sudden knew where she lived...meeting her room mate...the little things he said "you are the first girl I slept i na bed with all night" then catching himself and saying "the only girl"....the fact the chick told a mutal friend he was there...the same night they "planned" in the emails...all these factors it just all adds up..and honestly if it happened it happened i want the truth and he swears it didn't he was just messing with her through the emails..and ok sure I get that but all the other stuff how do you explain that...I wanna believe him through and through but there's always that part in my head that keeps adding up the details, and they all seem to fall into place just to nicely for it not to of happened...etc.
I hate that this shit bugs me, I hate comparing myself to her and wondering if it's her he's really thinking of, he tells me all the time no etc etc etc. and I know it's true I really do...BUT it's still there. why does he have to have a past...why can't I be normal and not have these thoughts...why when he goes to the store and takes a while or is home late from work why do i automatically assume he's out fucking some whore...why can't i just block all this shit out like most ppl...why why why....

Sigh

Alright...Here I go first let me say I LOVE my husband he is so amazing and does so much for me and the kids and puts up with so much shit from me, cuz of the way I am...and My kids god they are amazing and funny and just everything and I love being a mom, I really do most of hte time...but then there are days and lately alot of days where...I hate being married, I hate being a mom
I friggin hate having people rely on me I hate having to get up in the morning and get them up and fed... I hate hearing the word "mom" a million times a day....I wanna run away to a different life where I can go out whenever I want and just piss my life away basically just rely on myself I can spend time at the bars just dancing and drinking and whatever else my heart wants. it's lucky I dont have a driver's license cuz I would probably get in the car and drive and never even look back. I hate it, I hate every minute of it. even worse I hate feeling this way, I mean what fucking parent wants to just up and leave their kids and never looks back just so they can go out and do whatever they want. half the time when they go to give me a hug or something I cringe...that shit ain't fuckin normal and I hate it...I hate it...I hate myself for thinking this way...I don't regret getting married or even meeting my husband...i don't regret my kids I love them so much...but I just want to be alone...all alone.

Here we go.

So after some serious thinking, I have decided alot of this blog from now on is going to be about what it is like to be raising three kids as a BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).
The daily struggles I have to keep my shit together, the weird and random thoughts that go through my head. just everything and anything in general....alot of what I will write I'm sure will upset people. so Let me set things right. I love my kids and my husband more than anything and I would give my life for any of them, I would never do anything to hurt any of them. But having this "illness" causes alot of weird as thoughts and emotions that sometimes I don't even understand.
Why have I decided to go this way? Well the way I express my self has always been through writing. and really maybe it will give perspective and insight into what it's like raising kids with a mental illness.

A letter....

Dear...

I am sorry that I'm not what you want, or who you want me to be.
I am sorry I am such a disapointment to you.
I am sorry I haven't turned out the way you expected.
I am sorry that nothing I do or have ever done in my life has been right in your eyes.
I am sorry that I am living my life different than you wanted me to.
most of all I am sorry that things have gotten to the point they are between us.

With that being said, I want you to know that I wouldn't be the person I am today if it wasn't for you. You have seen me through so much in my life, helped me out so many times and never stopped believing in me. For years I struggled and made so many wrong choices, but there you were never giving up.

Growing up, even though you were working so hard you always made time for me, taking me out hunting, or skating out to play even when you were tired. We took trips we went camping, all kinds of things. Some of the best times in my life are the memories I have of the music fest we travelled to every single year. Raising a teenage girl couldn't of been easy, but you made it seem like it was, always there for me even though I was a royal shit. Let my friends spend the weekends here, if we wanted to go out and needed a ride it was you, you were always there. School field trips you would take time from work to drive us, you always had time for me, for my friends.

Of course things have never always been easy, I went through some things that I regret in so many ways, mainly for what it put you through and how I treated you. I can never take those times back, but still you made me feel like you would never lose faith in me. You pushed me so hard in my school and other things all of which I am very thankful for.

And now here we are, seems like we are drifting apart and have been so for some time. I hate it. You have no idea how much I hate it. Now even more so it feels like I am not good enough, I know you don't agree with the choices I have made.

Now with my daughter I love seeing you spend time with her, making alot of the same memories I have, I want that for her I do. Because once you're gone memories are all any of us will have. And all those memories were the best times in my life and I know they will be in her mind top. But she is not the only one, I also have a son who I know would love to spend time and make memories with you, yes I understand he's going through the terrible two's and can be a pain trust me I know. But for him to be scared of you isn't right.

So I am sorry if I haven't turned out the way you wanted. I am sorry for the distance that is quickly growing between us, but let's face it talking about these types of things have never been either of our strong points.
But I love you, you have always been and always will be the most important man in my life. For all you do and all you have ever done to help me grow and learn and to help me when I was in trouble, and for just being you.
 I love you.
 You will always be my daddy and I will always be your little girl.

really makes ya think...

What If?
Those two words can really make you think, or wish, or wonder. There are so many possibilities, and can be applied to almost every situation you come across in life. Usually after the fact, silly things like "What if I didn't buy those shoes could I of..." or "What if I had taken that other street could I of that accident"

And we all have the "what if's" floating around our already clouded and full minds. Even worse are the ones we all have that really mess with your head you the know the ones the BIG "what if''s" you know the ones, they make you wonder what and where you life would be if only you did that one thing different.

What if you had chosen a different major in school?

What if you had gone to college at all?

What if you you didn't break up with that one ex? What would your life be like? Where would you be living? Would you have kids? Although they are called an ex for a reason but that doesn't stop the what if's they don't know the difference

What if you weren't so show back then and had let that certain crush know you wanted to hit that? (Classy I know)

And it doesn't matter how long ago in life you came across that fork in the road, it doesn't matter how good your life is now, it won't stop those nagging what if's from popping up. Yes we all have them. Will it change anything? No most likely not but still they are there in your head messing with you. Anyone who says they don't have them, or they never think about things like that are full of shit or trying to hide something.
So ask what are yours?

Why I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

So I have mentioned before about me having what's called BPD (borderline personality disorder) basically means I'm crazy and I don't mean "omg you so crazy" no I mean "certified, Doctor's note, medicated bat shit nuts" I live everyday as an emotional wreck. Yup I'm a joy to live with I go from 0-60 in no time flat. Why does that make me lucky? Here's why

Steve in 05

In 2004 I moved to a new city to get a change, started a new place to work first day there I smelled and saw him (yes smelled and no not the eww shower way, the omg I wanna eat you up) took a year of being subtle about being interested, honestly he was way out of my league, plus he was seeing someone. Although that didn't last and it took me 8 months to figure that out. But when I did I decided being subtle wasn't working...not to mention the other girls who were after him. So I did what I had to do to get his attention, and it worked he was mine. we have always done things ass backwards, when we got together he was house sitting for family and I basically moved in day one. 3 months later he moved back to his parents and I mine.

Of course I didn't let him see the crazy right away, although I'm sure he suspected I wasn't normal, but I'm sure the kinky going at it like rabbits sex kept him blind to it for a while and I mean we were like rabbits every chance, every place we got naked if we weren't working we were getting freaky. I blame it on 21 years of being pent up haha (yes he was my first and I am proud of that) well that and I'm a freak.

Anyway, as time went on I was getting worse and things were getting well difficult. I was trying to keep it bottled up but it was getting worse. 2007 we got pregnant with our oldest, and oh man pregnancy hormones on top of being me was not pretty. We made it through, finally in 2010 after the birth of our son I realized I needed help that or I was afraid he would leave (he almost did at one point) here I am now few years later still not perfect, but I am getting better with my meds, and noticing the signs of an episode sooner things have been better.

Is our life perfect? hell no, do I wonder almost every day why he stays around and puts up with my crazy? of course I do, am I thankful for everyday that he is still here, you bet. there are times when I tell him to leave he deserves better than what he has to put up with on alot of days, although they are fewer and far between now. But still for him to put up with all this shit for 8 years that is what makes me the luckiest girl in the world.

our wedding day.

Messy Life

Well once again it seems i dropped off the face of the earth. Lots has changed in the last few months which was the main cause of me being absent.

I have some big news, that not even I expected.

Miss Lillian

  Yup that's right I went and reproduced again, found out in June of last year we were having this little bundle. I had went to the dr. for new birth control as my cycles were still being a pain (literally) two days later I was back in his office to confirm the home test I did ha. big surprise.
So there went Roller derby, and well yup that sucked big time. what made it even worse was it was the worst pregnancy to date. honestly I never had an easy pregnancy, but this time oh man the first few months I was ill, in pain, didn't wanna eat, etc etc. as it got later on in my last trimester I developed what is called Cholestasis or as anyone who has had it calls it...oh god someone kill me please...or the itching disease. Basically my liver wasn't working which caused a back up of bile in my system, which causes you to itch like a mother trucker, when does the itch get worse you ask? at night of course so I spent the last few weeks of pregnancy not eating and throwing up and spending my nights trying not to scratch my skin off. they finally took pity on me and induced me on January 26th, 3 hours later this little girl was here. totally worth it...would I ever do it again? HELL NO. I am done. If I have to tie my own tubes I am done.
oh yes and of course while I was going through this, the rental we were living in became even shittier than it was before, the roof started leaking in my daughters room (the big one not the baby) during the fall which where I live is well rainy season, so we upped and moved since we couldn't find a place soon enough we ended up at my dad's til we could..that was November, it is now March and we are still here. but that is changing this summer. But that's a story for another day.