I hate that you have a past.

So little background until I met my husband I was a virgin...he wasn't, well I mean he dated this chick for over 2 years in highschool so obviously not right lol..then there were a couple girls he dated before me...(one of which I got to work with...yup awkward lol although I did get along with her)...Anyway I HATE that there were others. mainly the long term one....I wish it didn't bug me and alot of times it doesn't but then I get times where it's like I feel sick about it. and start thinking and comparing myself to her, like am I better....why is he with me and not her...if she came back around would he go back (he tells me all the time no...and I believe him...most of the time) then I start asking things like what it was like you kno0w the first time...or just weird sick shit that I really dont need to know and yet I do...and he changes the subject ok fine you don't like talking about it I get that....but at hte same time, it's like he's avoiding hte convo cuz she was better...then it gets in my head well does he think of her while we are u know getting freaky lol. that used to bug me alot and would go through my mind ALL the time, now it's not as often but still....why can't stupid little things not bug...cuz then I get all in a mood and i'm miserable and I don't wanna say anything cuz I know it's stupid and just my screwed upness....oh and don't get me started on the movie Madagascar O M G I can't watch that movie now...why? cuz well we went to see it..then I go out of town to visit my dad and he goes and takes this other chick god I hated her stupid too much make-up wearing cow...she was sweet and nice but I would always see him flirt with her, well before we started dating and I was like ok fine he would never date me that's the kind he likes...so sure enough he takes her out to a movie while i'm out of town...F U, it's such a stupid reason to not watch a movie...but it's my reason....and to the girl who if she reads this...it was nothing against you I swear...it sounds bad I know and I'm sorry for that....
OH OH and this ex from the 2 years...another time I go out of town...he swears up and down it didn't happen and I wanna believe him but there's always a part in the back of my mind that things just add up way to much for it not to of happened of him spending the night with her...the emails he sent her back and forth about fucking...the emails saying ya I'm free weds night...the fact he all of a sudden knew where she lived...meeting her room mate...the little things he said "you are the first girl I slept i na bed with all night" then catching himself and saying "the only girl"....the fact the chick told a mutal friend he was there...the same night they "planned" in the emails...all these factors it just all adds up..and honestly if it happened it happened i want the truth and he swears it didn't he was just messing with her through the emails..and ok sure I get that but all the other stuff how do you explain that...I wanna believe him through and through but there's always that part in my head that keeps adding up the details, and they all seem to fall into place just to nicely for it not to of happened...etc.
I hate that this shit bugs me, I hate comparing myself to her and wondering if it's her he's really thinking of, he tells me all the time no etc etc etc. and I know it's true I really do...BUT it's still there. why does he have to have a past...why can't I be normal and not have these thoughts...why when he goes to the store and takes a while or is home late from work why do i automatically assume he's out fucking some whore...why can't i just block all this shit out like most ppl...why why why....

Sigh

Alright...Here I go first let me say I LOVE my husband he is so amazing and does so much for me and the kids and puts up with so much shit from me, cuz of the way I am...and My kids god they are amazing and funny and just everything and I love being a mom, I really do most of hte time...but then there are days and lately alot of days where...I hate being married, I hate being a mom
I friggin hate having people rely on me I hate having to get up in the morning and get them up and fed... I hate hearing the word "mom" a million times a day....I wanna run away to a different life where I can go out whenever I want and just piss my life away basically just rely on myself I can spend time at the bars just dancing and drinking and whatever else my heart wants. it's lucky I dont have a driver's license cuz I would probably get in the car and drive and never even look back. I hate it, I hate every minute of it. even worse I hate feeling this way, I mean what fucking parent wants to just up and leave their kids and never looks back just so they can go out and do whatever they want. half the time when they go to give me a hug or something I cringe...that shit ain't fuckin normal and I hate it...I hate it...I hate myself for thinking this way...I don't regret getting married or even meeting my husband...i don't regret my kids I love them so much...but I just want to be alone...all alone.

Here we go.

So after some serious thinking, I have decided alot of this blog from now on is going to be about what it is like to be raising three kids as a BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).
The daily struggles I have to keep my shit together, the weird and random thoughts that go through my head. just everything and anything in general....alot of what I will write I'm sure will upset people. so Let me set things right. I love my kids and my husband more than anything and I would give my life for any of them, I would never do anything to hurt any of them. But having this "illness" causes alot of weird as thoughts and emotions that sometimes I don't even understand.
Why have I decided to go this way? Well the way I express my self has always been through writing. and really maybe it will give perspective and insight into what it's like raising kids with a mental illness.